Sharing is definitely caring

For Thanksgiving, I spent it with some of my friends at school. 

Lets just say, when you are with actors, there's bound to be some sort of performance. As part of our extravaganza, we all took a trip to good o'l Times Square.  There, some of my friends faked a proposal.  Mind you, they did this last year and although I didn't believe them, it was a moving moment.

Our group separated and watched as "the couple" climbed the TKTS stairs.  They talked and laughed with each other, like any couple and in a blink of an eye, Josh went down on one knee.  Everyone around us clapped and cheered.  Some people even recorded this precious moment.  After Tiffany said yes, strangers went up to the couple and congratulated them.  They even mentioned how honored they felt for being part of their new journey.

I love that as actors, even though we may pretend to be these characters, we can give audiences so much more than what we get from being on stage.

Have to hold onto this.  

Nina from The Seagull

Romola Garai as Nina (The Seagull) 

I have never wrote a post about any character work, and I wanted to write my thoughts down before I went to bed.

I am currently working on The Seagull by Anton Chekhov, for one of my acting scene studies.  Previously, we worked on the Three Sisters and while, I loved that play, the Seagull is feels a little bit lighter to work on.  But only a little bit.

I am assigned to do a scene with Constantine and Sorin in the beginning of the play, where it is the audience's first time to meet Nina in the play.  Our teacher does not like it when we distance ourselves from the character, so for this purpose, I will refer to myself as "Nina".

According to the circumstances from the play, I am a precocious, intelligent, beautiful, bright young girl who longs to break out of her jail cell.  My mother came from a provincial family who owned an estate, and after she passed away, all the land and money went to my father. My father remarried and I do not have a good relationship with him or my stepmother.  In fact, I live in constant fear of them.

•  To indicate when I break out of my character, I will put my own personal comments in bullet points.  As part of my scene study class, our teacher introduced the idea of the personal story which will all you to activate your system in order for you to connect to the character's circumstance of the play.l  I have a lot of similar personal events in my life that helps me connect to Nina, particularly my relationship with my parents.  I have stepparents and I definitely know what it is like to feel disconnected to my parents' new spouses.  Nina addresses her father's wife as her stepmother, but also  as "his wife", which I do with my father's wife because I personally do not see her as my stepmother.  Your relationship with a person is revealed in how you label that person and it seems that Nina. 

 I am in a relationship with Constantine which for me, as an actress is very hard to define.   Later on in the play, there is a scene in which Constantine and I get into a fight over how much we have changed and it is straining the relationship. Whether I love him or not is something I need to further explore in rehearsals.

• I have been in a relationship with someone where I started to stray away and look at other men.  There is something about the relationship that do not make me feel fulfilled.  Perhaps Constantine does not excite Nina creatively, and right now at her life, she is trying to figure out a way to follow her dreams of becoming an actress. 

Immediately at my entrance, I am more wrapped up about showing up for my acting debut rather than actually being there to support Constantine's project.  I know how much this play means to him, and yet, I am more worried about myself because Trigorin will be there to watch me act.  On top of everything, I snuck out of the house and I have to be back in time before my father comes back home.  There are repercussions if I am caught and I will be severely punished.

• When I was younger, I used to sneak out of the house late at night and my mother is really strict with curfew which at times made me feel suffocated at times when I lived at home.  

**Rehearsal with my Teacher**
Sometimes, when you did so much Me Work, it comes down to what you can give to your partner and how much your partner can give you.  I tried to incorporate all these circumstances but when your partner is struggling with your circumstances, you may not know if you these are the right circumstances to play at for the scene.  

No time...

I have been pounding the pavement and working hard at my part time job, trying to make some money for rent and possibly tuition for school.

I have never worked 6 days straights for 9 hours each shift and it's taking some time away from studying. I tried to go to the library but I couldn't concentrate and I fell asleep due to exhaustion. 

Last year, I wouldn't be able to work and go to school. I missed Thanksgiving and Christmas because of work... When should I put my foot down and say I need some time for myself? 

I also have been dealing with some personal problems which I brought on myself and it has been taking me a few days to work it out. Whatever you do... Don't spend money you don't have!!! And put your foot down when you don't want something. I mistakenly bought something because I allowed someone else to bully me. I feel this reflects how I act to because my Shakespeare teacher gave me a feedback about being aggressive with my space while I act.  I constantly allow myself to be conquered!!! Invaded! 

Time to defend. And sleep. 

Id vs the Super Ego

On Tuesday, I bumped into one of my acting teachers at Chipotle.  I seem to talk a lot about my physical acting teachers and I am not saying my other teachers are not worth talking about, but because of the  nature of this class, everything is experiential and it takes time to process what happens in class. 

I brought up certain experiences in class about feeling selfish in class, and not being out there as an artist, an activist and telling the stories that need to be told. After listening to me, he looked at me bewildered by my comment. He responded, "Why shouldn't you be selfish? You need the training to be the best at your craft in order to go out there and tell those stories!" 

Yes, be more selfish. Personally, I have told myself in the past that being selfish will not get you anywhere and now that I am training, my entire world is being torn down. Of course, I need to think about myself because no one else will. I am fortunate enough to have a mother who is selfless and would give ANYTHING to make sure my sister and I are comfortable.  I really look up to her but I am realizing I can not stay in my safe bubble if I want to make it in this business.

So, it's the battle between id, and my super ego.  I want to be impulsive but what is practical? Give myself the opportunity to do what I love and also to know that I can touch people with my art, my truth.

I don't have to give up the kind, vulnerable part of myself but just have to build a high enough platform where no one can touch me and yet can still see me. 

Where is your center?

Second year at Circle.  Less angsty.  WAY LESS.  

This year, it's all about what can I do to stretch myself and stay creative and fresh with my work. The  first year of school is definitely learning how to deal with your own bullshit and become a neutral being.  

It's also very important to objectively look at your own work which I didn't so much last year.  Everything I wrote last year was about my feelings... and I want to slap myself, sometimes.  Whatever, it happens.  Move on. 

I am discovering that I am physically struggling with my classes which is a first since I take pride in my natural physical abilities to do something.  I have always depended on them to get me through physical acting exercises (jumping, running, etc.) but stubbornness has been getting in the way and I have found that my core is extremely weak (not flexible in changing a choreography if I learned it a certain way)! 

The first physical acting exercise that brought my awareness of this habit is the self dialogue.  This is where, you isolate and spontaneously move a limb one at a time (it could be the fingers, the whole arm, or the foot or the entire leg). There is no need to interpret this leg or arm language.  Later, you would have this "dialogue" with a partner.

Here is a response to this exercise and what I got out of it :)

I hope to write more in this manner for future exercises.  

The Frustrated Leg

By: the Big Labasan or Dudette

First things first, I didn't realize how much I would get out of this exercise until I wrote this essay... It has helped me confront my frustrations and anxiety I have had over this sometimes disheartening but pertinent exercise because it revealed a lot about my creative process and what happens to my system when I am confused, frustrated or scared. I had a difficult time (physically) trying to interpret what I should be doing (should- what a killer of a word). I noticed physical reactions I would have at the start of the self dialogue and the struggle to allow myself to be spontaneous and let my voice follow my physical movements.

Usually my first reaction to anything, starts with a question, “Am I doing this correctly?” or “Should I do it this way? Or that way?” The infamous chatter in your head... At the start of the first few weeks of this exercise, I would always tense my jaw and hold my breath at the beginning of the exercise. By the end of it, I would feel agitated and even disappointed in myself. It would start with the noises in my head and after watching a few of my classmates, I would compare myself without even seeing what I actually did from an outside's perspective! Looking back now, it seems so silly to do that, but we do in fact compare our work with each other's. During the isolations, I was uncomfortable which I translated as, “You are just not that good at this exercise, BIG LABASAN.” I felt extremely clumsy which added to my insecurities to how I would be perceived from the outside. Sometimes I would disengage from my core because I was fighting for dear life to be stable (meaning not falling flat on my face) which limited my ability to react spontaneously. I thrive on control, and this exercise has been dealing with my obsessive need to censor anything that I perceive is stupid or meaningless which stops me from reacting organically and impulsively (another thing I am working on). I felt the most weak, when I had to shift my balance to one leg and of course, one side was stronger than the other (I prefer to stand on the right leg). Adding constants and sounds added to my frustration because I felt as if I wasn't communicating anything. I know we were not suppose to interpret what the movements were but I think I was falling back on trying to find meaning because it was the only way I could make any sense of what I was doing.

 The progression of the “I love yous and I hate yous” did ease the internal tension because it was something I knew. I know what it means to love someone, or to hate someone but perhaps, I am limiting myself.... I know I need to focus on the beginning of the exercise because I don't want to be an actor that sits comfortably and emotes one emotion. I trying to learn to trust my core, let my body go and be surprised by it's strength and knowledge. I just hope this frustrated leg can keep up.  

You are such a square...

You don't have to be happy, but you have to be productive and you can't be happy until you are productive.

Next week's goals!

1. Ken's class: physical acting

2. I am doing a scene from Twelfth Night! I am playing Viola and Sir Andrew :)

3. Technique...technique...technique...

4. Turn your fears into faith!

5. My idol!

Translating it to the Stage

Last night I watched indie folk rock band, called 5J Barrow, at the Rockwood Music Hall last Friday and they were fantastic.  A friend at school invited us to come watch his roommate perform at a bar in East Village, of course I jumped to the opportunity to see a free show!

They opened with this number called. "Wake Up Boy".  I loved it live because the singers had so much resonance! I love when signers have that ring to their voices and it fills the room with that vibration.

The members of the band were just so true to their singing, and it just showed in their performance and body.  Also the exciting part is that the leads have a musical theatre background.

As an actor, it is important for us to develop other kinds of skills that will add to the show, whether it's juggling, singing, dancing... Although the casting directors/producers see as products and dancing monkeys, I think it adds to who you are as a person.

I respect musicians because they got they their craft down, they move the entire audience with their music, with their story.  Same with the actor, instead of a guitar, our voices and body is our instrument.

This is a relationship....

Yesterday, I had another breakthrough... It is true what they say about your first year that this is a journey to you, finding out who you are.

So in Acting Technique (we do a lot of exercises that stem from Lee Strasbourg's technique but we are definitely not doing method), we started on personal objects.  We had to go into relaxation and conjure up an item that you owned seven years+ ago.  Our teacher told us to let the the object come to us and not try to pre plan the exercise.  Seven years ago, I would have been in tenth grade and I am not ready to explore that right now, so I decided to go a little further down memory land, all the way back to my middle school days.  A couple items came up, a memory box... my purple i-zone camera... and then my teal silk scarf came to mind. 

I haven't thought about that scarf in the longest time so, it was fun "feeling", "tasting", and "seeing it.  It wasn't after I finished the exercise I felt the aftermath of the object.  In middle school I used to be the ugliest thing (or at least I felt like that) and we also had to wear uniforms.  I wanted to be different from my counterparts, so I used to wear this particular teal scarf every day to school, like the girls did in the 50's.  I guess it was my way of deflecting any mean comments boys or girls had to say about my pimples or buck teeth.  

As I was telling this story to my classmates, my teacher wanted to bring my attention to how I alive I was when I was describing my personal item.

Then it just finally clicked... Was I suppose to use my relaxation and sense memory to help me bring some life into my text?   It seems so simple... but like I said before... teachers at my school sometimes withhold information so we could form our own judgements. 

I know this is the weirdest fear to have but I am scared of my monologue and text work.  The fear of dropping a line, damaging the playwright's work... That I am not good enough to say them!  I AM THE SILLIEST GIRL ALIVE.  

So, I decided it's like being in a relationship, you have to work at it full time- night and day.  Practice into it's in your body and then use these techniques to give it color.  There is nothing to be afraid of.  

Hahaha...remember acting is fun! 

Right... I don't want to undermine my emotions but this is such a silly fear... and I have been stressing over this for a couple days now and it's been putting me into a bad mood.  

I am an actress, shake it off and love yourself. 

Being Breathed

I am starting to hit a sort of block... perhaps it's because I haven't been in any scenes for about a week... Acting is like working out, you have to consistently be working on something or else you lose the acting muscle.

I saw Clive starred and directed by Ethan Hawke.  Even though I was never a fan of his work, I think it's admirable that a t.v. actor wants to be in plays that probably won't break the bank.

I would expand and talk about this play... but it's Brecht inspired and it's strange and you would have to watch it to really understand what I am trying to say.  Ethan's performance was pretty raw, not really appropriate for Broadway but a smaller venue, I thought it was fitting.  Vague? Yeah... well... every performance in theatre is one of a kind and what I saw was a subjective experience.  You gotta love theatre. 

As an artist, you have to make choices between money and your art.  Of course you should always choose the ART but the bottom line is you gotta make a living somehow and I am not willing to sell my body or sell out for a six figure salary. 

I am glad there is so much theatre in New York that is affordable to go see, so I am going to make an effort to go out there and see actors work.  

Today, in my Alexander technique class, Daniel Singer, my teacher said something (it isn't the first time he said something similar, but with a class like this, you have to be told several times before you ACTUALLY get it) that made me go "Huh?".  

So in his Daniel Singer way (he's sorta like Yoda... or the Dalai Lama.  He very serene), he told our class that "You are being breathed."  He told us that instead of being arrogant, tell yourself that the cosmos and the universe is doing the breathing for us.... 

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS... But if I had to try to imagine the cosmos and the planets making me breathe, I do feel as though I can breathe larger, wider and more expansive.  

I need to start taking this technique seriously because all my teachers raves about it and I do want to look amazing on stage without looking like I am putting any effort (you are actually not suppose to use any effort Ariel...) 

I wish I can explain this class better to people... so I need to do more outside research on this topic.

On the side note- I AM GETTING SO ANXIOUS MEMORIZING MONOLOGUES.  But I think I stress myself out because there is so much pressure as an actor to find the perfect monologue because that's how you showcase your talent. It's like telling the judicators "HEY THIS IS ME AND I ONLY GOT ONE MINUTE TO TELL YOU EVERYTHING SO PLEASE BELIEVE IN ME AND GIVE ME A JOB."

I don't know why I'm composed but it's most likely because I have a bunch things going through my head such as: scenes, monologues, job applications, scholarships, to go home or not to go home...

I need to get my shit together.

  

"I am afraid of being wrong."

My acting technique teacher had me do an autowrite with this as a title.

This is actually my quote which I said to her at the end of class today.

This is... my constant battle- my struggle with myself and my art.  I hate being wrong and I would like to blame this on how our society reprimands us for making mistakes but the bottom line is- I sometimes hate myself.

These demons of mine have been with all through my life and it's just so damn hard to shake them off.  Even though this semester I am doing a lot better with dealing with my insecurities, it comes out and I am back to square one...

Or so I think?  No... but it does sometimes feel like that.  BUT ONE THING IS FOR SURE- at least I am aware of it.  That's a big thing at our school.  It's like this, "Oh, you are aware of your glottals?  Oh you are aware of the tension you hold in your shoulders?"

I guess with awareness, comes the change.  I think I am just trying to process all the goodies we learn at this school and it is just SO hard to apply it text if you are not confident with the technique you just learned.

I am aware that eventually you develop your own technique, but I am THAT TYPE OF PERSON WHO LIKES TO BE TAUGHT AND BE BEATEN INTO LEARNING IT.

Perhaps it's my headstrong ways and I like to get comfortable with doing something that I excel at.

Ultimately, it boils down to confidence.  Right now, I am working REALLY hard on it and some days I feel like the ugliest human being on the planet and other days, I am superwoman.

I need to be okay with myself. I need to be okay with making mistakes and letting them be part of my journey.

Notes for this week:

1. I heard my "dumb animal"- it rang so clearly- OPEN MY MOUTH! RISE THAT SOFT PALATE!  I wasn't opening it wide enough and when i did, it echoed...a "PING!"

2. I find that doing the primal exercise really gets me open to my character and in touch with my instincts and my emotions.  It has been really helping me get my guard down and just go for it.  I feel myself be more aware of my actions and how to feel in the moment with my scene partner.

3.  I finally said, "Yes." to my scene partner.  It feels like I am judging him less on his choices and depend on him to also push the scene.  It feels amazing to experience this because now I think I can work with anyone.  We are not always lucky and we don't always get to choose who we work with so I need to figure out my trigger...

----

I have been slacking on blogging but I feel that this is necessary for me to note the progress within myself.  I have so many things I want to write but I put it off and I rush through the process without noting down every single minute detail.

Why do you do this Ariel?

So... I did an amazing exercise in which I had to become my grandfather.  I am currently reading "Respect for Acting" and in the first chapter, Hagen distinguishes between two types of actors and how they approach their characters.  One, is a representational acting in which the actor imitates while the Presentational actor tries to go through his own actions to understand the character.

While I can't say that I am one or the other, in this respect, my experience as my grandfather can be broken down and analyzed by both approaches.

First, I had to walk and try "be" like my grandfather.  This is based off of my memory of him, which was quite vivid since I saw him a few weeks back.  Due to back problems, my grandfather slouches his shoulders forward and curves his back to try to alleviate the pain.  He does peck his neck out a little and he walks at a slower pace nowadays.  It's sorta a freaky, I can see how his face would contort when he examines something and how he would pick up a phone.

Once we added words into the exercises, I was able to easily produce a few words he would say in his own grandpa way like how he would call my grandmother into a room.  I had a difficult time matching his pitch and resonance, but I didn't pay too much attention to that.

I think what affected me the most was when I imitated his smile.  I had such a reaction within myself, I immediately burst into tears after the exercise was done. I had this reaction because I never realized... how much love my grandfather had for his family.  My grandfather has the biggest smile and you can tell it's geniune because the skin around his eyes would crinkle and he can see all his teeth including the back molars :)  When I did that myself, I was instantly filled with happiness.

It's funny to take a simple smile like that for granted.

As an actor, this is an important tool and exercise for me- to have a physical actions evoke an emotional reaction.

"Love the art in yourself, not yourself in the art." - Constantin Stanislavsky

Where's the beast?

Today, I added something to my shame list.

My lack of courage to talk to a teacher.  I always had this fear... and I AM ASHAMED OF THIS.

What the heck?

I can't believe I let an opportunity to work pass me by and I fucked that up.  I had bad communications and I didn't get the full message. It's no one's fault but mine.

I need to change this right now if I want to be in this industry.  I need to be proactive about my future but I can't beat myself up because there were unforeseen circumstances.  So.. the lesson here- BE TRANSPARENT ABOUT WHAT I NEED.

This next coming week, I WILL ROCK THIS SCENE.  I will connect to my scene partner.  Breakthrough.  Breakthrough. MUST BREAKTHROUGH.

"There was no script—at her audition, Chastain was asked to put a baby to sleep and to look at someone admiringly. “They showed me a poster of Ethan Hawke’s face and said, ‘Look at that with love and respect.’ ” But, as is her custom, Chastain had already plunged into the depths of the role. By the time she was given the part, Chastain had gone to Kansas, where she stayed on a farm; studied Lauren Bacall in her early films to capture her slow way of talking and moving; and examined the graceful expressions of various classical Madonna paintings at New York’s Metropolitan Museum of Art. She even attended classes at a meditation retreat in Arizona called, oddly, Tree of Life. “I wanted to slow down the mad monkey of the mind in order to cultivate a kind of inner calm that would translate to the film. I knew I had to give myself over to the movie and to Terry [Malick]. That kind of immersion is so wonderful—it’s why I love working with artists.” - Jessica Chastain

Read more: http://www.wmagazine.com/celebrities/2013/01/jessica-chastain-actress-profile#ixzz2I04yiSAS

"That's the thing about acting.  It's that you, yourself, get to be like kind of an enigma.  It's a personification of who you're creating yourself to be.  In acting you just get on the stage and any neurosis that you have, anything that you have in your head, you can put it into that part.  It just all comes out and they don't even think it's you. They think you're acting. But it's you! It's a part of you. It's you. That's what acting is." - James Dean: The Lost Memoirs

Dance and Sore Muscles

This week was a bit of a catch up for me... I didn't realize how three weeks can do alot damage to the actor's body.  WHEW! MAN I AM TIRED.  My body feels like the first day of school... It's so sore from physical acting, stage combat and dance.  But I have to say, I love being in shape and being active.  True theatre actor are fit and healthy, and it makes sense for what they are preparing themselves to do- act in 8 shows a week on Broadway.

All my professors are working actors/directors/choreographers for the stage and I take all them very seriously.  I don't know if I can say that about everyone in the class, but damn... I now know I need to continue being disciplined and dedicated to this program.

These four months are going to fly by.

Pigeon

Sometimes people like being told what to do, because it's comforting to have security, a sort of safety net that prevents you from falling into the unknown.

One of my teachers at Circle told the class that it is easy to graduate from any school and not have learned a single thing.  I think those were his exact words but my feeble human mind is not strong enough to remember a sentence (AND I AM ASHAMED TO CALL MYSELF AN ACTOR!!!).   But the point is... with that in mind, I like to try find the meaning to everything I do so that way I am not wasting my time and money.  I think you should go about life in this manner- somebody told me today, if you are doing something not worth dying for, you are not living.

Food for thought?

I am going off tangent... but anyways back to acting- I had this substitute for mask class but instead of doing exercises relating to mask, we did similar exercises like the ones in physical acting.  Interestingly enough, he learned the same technique as my physical acting teacher.  What was interesting was that the substitute able to explain the exercises in a new way and it gave me a new perspective while my other teacher kept an explanation from us!

Alot of the students were a bit annoyed that this piece of information was kept from us so we welcomed the substitue's lesson with open arms but ALAS! We didn't realize that... we were pigeon holed into an explanation which prevents us from exploring other possibilities relating to the exercises.

This whole new perspective gave way to my imagination... and it opened my eyes to new possibilities.

Don't stay comfortable.

Explore/Become aware/Observe

Moments like these...

First day back at Circle, I feel refreshed.  I know I have been complaining about going back to school and living in New York for a couple more months but I think with everyone being super motivated to do their best this semester really rubbed off on me and it made me feel super giddy like it was the first day of school.

For one of my favorite classes, we started these individual exercises and it is suppose to help you connect to your text by answering a series of questions.  To my surprise these questions were so simple,  like what is your name?  What does you name mean? What are your nicknames? Also, while you are answering the question, you had to look at a person across from you, a sort of commune.

It's interesting to see my classmate's responses and how he reacted to his own answers to the question.  It brought (him/her) to an emotional state that was very moving.

Moments like these... to see a person suffer is all so sad...but beautiful to be able to witness such  vulnerability.

"Your fragility is also your strength." Pina Bausch

What a great website!

List of Movies/shows

Currently watching: The Story of Film: An Odyssey (series)
Finished watching: Once Upon a Time (series 1)
Had to stop watching: Daydream Nation (movie)
Would like to watch: Blue Valentine (movie)

Fears, fears, and more fears

I never thought of myself as a fearful person.  Yes, I have fears but I like to think that I am a STRONG, COURAGEOUS, BRILLIANT, young lady.

I have two full days before I go back to New York and I am kinda scared.  Maybe more sad but scared.

I keep thinking to myself, what if I revert back to my cave and not let my classmates in?  What if I fucking screw up and not get into second year?

All these "what ifs"... man they suck.

I was reading from a book titled, "Faith into Action".  It has a bunch of Buddhist quotes and one that really struck me was under the topic of courage (someone got a bottle of that somewhere?) and there was one word that stood out at me.  It said, "...We have to stand alone with the courage of lions.  Like lions, we have to fight courageously to win the laurel wreath of victory."

Alone.  I think out of EVERYTHING/ANYTHING...being alone is what makes me the most scared.  No, what is worst is being alone in a house full of people.  I don't want to go back to an apartment full of people who don't know me.  But perhaps it is also my fault for not trying to reach out.  It's just that... there are people you find yourself opening up to and there are people who just remain strangers with names to them.

I find this journey to being an actor full of paradoxes and ironies.  Being an actor means you can be the MOST empathetic person because you need to know how to relate to the character in your scene but GOD...actors can be the most cold, selfish human beings on the planet.  They (me?) thrive on love but can't even show it the person next to them.

I think my problem is that I THINK I am all alone.  If you want to be with someone... call them.  If you want to talk to someone, skype, text, message them because may be they are just as lonely as you are.

It makes me feel better doing this typing thing. I used to be scared to write because I often judge myself for writing what I thought was crap.  Haha, another thing to add to my fear list.

May be I am a fearful person... I think being scared is okay.  At least I am flying back to New York.  At least I am going to try to be a better friend to people.

I need to just try. I need to roar like a cub who will grow one day into a lion.

Overcome the small fears, then let's go for the bigger ones.

I am about to embark on my second semester in Circle in the Square.

As if I am about to do a scene for one of my classes... I must tell the audience of how I am feeling at the current moment:

1. My heart is beating fast.
2. Energy is low as if a huge weight is on me.
3. It's hard to breathe because I am afraid to leave a place where I am most comfortable.
4. My focus is shot and I can't seem to concentrate on what needs to be done.

I honestly don't care too much about the people I am about to go back to... and perhaps that is what is stopping me from WANTING to go back to New York.  I reflect back on my experiences at Soka and I have always wanted to go back there because I feel like I have someone to go back to.  People whom I call friends.  Friends... whom I have taken for granted of their friendship.

I wish I can undo this feeling. This feeling of apathy... But even though I can't change how I feel, I will change my attitude because in fact, despite it being cold, grungy and very often lonely, New York is where my ever beating heart... my dream to inspire and move people, lies...Pounding loudly, begging me to come back so I can call forth my courage to banish away the negative thoughts I have about the school and the people... No, my fellow company members whom I have to die for...for the sake of an art I have given my whole being for.

I cannot give into my weak tendencies... I must trust my abilities more... I must. MUST trust myself.