Fears, fears, and more fears

I never thought of myself as a fearful person.  Yes, I have fears but I like to think that I am a STRONG, COURAGEOUS, BRILLIANT, young lady.

I have two full days before I go back to New York and I am kinda scared.  Maybe more sad but scared.

I keep thinking to myself, what if I revert back to my cave and not let my classmates in?  What if I fucking screw up and not get into second year?

All these "what ifs"... man they suck.

I was reading from a book titled, "Faith into Action".  It has a bunch of Buddhist quotes and one that really struck me was under the topic of courage (someone got a bottle of that somewhere?) and there was one word that stood out at me.  It said, "...We have to stand alone with the courage of lions.  Like lions, we have to fight courageously to win the laurel wreath of victory."

Alone.  I think out of EVERYTHING/ANYTHING...being alone is what makes me the most scared.  No, what is worst is being alone in a house full of people.  I don't want to go back to an apartment full of people who don't know me.  But perhaps it is also my fault for not trying to reach out.  It's just that... there are people you find yourself opening up to and there are people who just remain strangers with names to them.

I find this journey to being an actor full of paradoxes and ironies.  Being an actor means you can be the MOST empathetic person because you need to know how to relate to the character in your scene but GOD...actors can be the most cold, selfish human beings on the planet.  They (me?) thrive on love but can't even show it the person next to them.

I think my problem is that I THINK I am all alone.  If you want to be with someone... call them.  If you want to talk to someone, skype, text, message them because may be they are just as lonely as you are.

It makes me feel better doing this typing thing. I used to be scared to write because I often judge myself for writing what I thought was crap.  Haha, another thing to add to my fear list.

May be I am a fearful person... I think being scared is okay.  At least I am flying back to New York.  At least I am going to try to be a better friend to people.

I need to just try. I need to roar like a cub who will grow one day into a lion.

Overcome the small fears, then let's go for the bigger ones.