"I am afraid of being wrong."

My acting technique teacher had me do an autowrite with this as a title.

This is actually my quote which I said to her at the end of class today.

This is... my constant battle- my struggle with myself and my art.  I hate being wrong and I would like to blame this on how our society reprimands us for making mistakes but the bottom line is- I sometimes hate myself.

These demons of mine have been with all through my life and it's just so damn hard to shake them off.  Even though this semester I am doing a lot better with dealing with my insecurities, it comes out and I am back to square one...

Or so I think?  No... but it does sometimes feel like that.  BUT ONE THING IS FOR SURE- at least I am aware of it.  That's a big thing at our school.  It's like this, "Oh, you are aware of your glottals?  Oh you are aware of the tension you hold in your shoulders?"

I guess with awareness, comes the change.  I think I am just trying to process all the goodies we learn at this school and it is just SO hard to apply it text if you are not confident with the technique you just learned.

I am aware that eventually you develop your own technique, but I am THAT TYPE OF PERSON WHO LIKES TO BE TAUGHT AND BE BEATEN INTO LEARNING IT.

Perhaps it's my headstrong ways and I like to get comfortable with doing something that I excel at.

Ultimately, it boils down to confidence.  Right now, I am working REALLY hard on it and some days I feel like the ugliest human being on the planet and other days, I am superwoman.

I need to be okay with myself. I need to be okay with making mistakes and letting them be part of my journey.