Notes for this week:

1. I heard my "dumb animal"- it rang so clearly- OPEN MY MOUTH! RISE THAT SOFT PALATE!  I wasn't opening it wide enough and when i did, it echoed...a "PING!"

2. I find that doing the primal exercise really gets me open to my character and in touch with my instincts and my emotions.  It has been really helping me get my guard down and just go for it.  I feel myself be more aware of my actions and how to feel in the moment with my scene partner.

3.  I finally said, "Yes." to my scene partner.  It feels like I am judging him less on his choices and depend on him to also push the scene.  It feels amazing to experience this because now I think I can work with anyone.  We are not always lucky and we don't always get to choose who we work with so I need to figure out my trigger...

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I have been slacking on blogging but I feel that this is necessary for me to note the progress within myself.  I have so many things I want to write but I put it off and I rush through the process without noting down every single minute detail.

Why do you do this Ariel?

So... I did an amazing exercise in which I had to become my grandfather.  I am currently reading "Respect for Acting" and in the first chapter, Hagen distinguishes between two types of actors and how they approach their characters.  One, is a representational acting in which the actor imitates while the Presentational actor tries to go through his own actions to understand the character.

While I can't say that I am one or the other, in this respect, my experience as my grandfather can be broken down and analyzed by both approaches.

First, I had to walk and try "be" like my grandfather.  This is based off of my memory of him, which was quite vivid since I saw him a few weeks back.  Due to back problems, my grandfather slouches his shoulders forward and curves his back to try to alleviate the pain.  He does peck his neck out a little and he walks at a slower pace nowadays.  It's sorta a freaky, I can see how his face would contort when he examines something and how he would pick up a phone.

Once we added words into the exercises, I was able to easily produce a few words he would say in his own grandpa way like how he would call my grandmother into a room.  I had a difficult time matching his pitch and resonance, but I didn't pay too much attention to that.

I think what affected me the most was when I imitated his smile.  I had such a reaction within myself, I immediately burst into tears after the exercise was done. I had this reaction because I never realized... how much love my grandfather had for his family.  My grandfather has the biggest smile and you can tell it's geniune because the skin around his eyes would crinkle and he can see all his teeth including the back molars :)  When I did that myself, I was instantly filled with happiness.

It's funny to take a simple smile like that for granted.

As an actor, this is an important tool and exercise for me- to have a physical actions evoke an emotional reaction.

"Love the art in yourself, not yourself in the art." - Constantin Stanislavsky

Where's the beast?

Today, I added something to my shame list.

My lack of courage to talk to a teacher.  I always had this fear... and I AM ASHAMED OF THIS.

What the heck?

I can't believe I let an opportunity to work pass me by and I fucked that up.  I had bad communications and I didn't get the full message. It's no one's fault but mine.

I need to change this right now if I want to be in this industry.  I need to be proactive about my future but I can't beat myself up because there were unforeseen circumstances.  So.. the lesson here- BE TRANSPARENT ABOUT WHAT I NEED.

This next coming week, I WILL ROCK THIS SCENE.  I will connect to my scene partner.  Breakthrough.  Breakthrough. MUST BREAKTHROUGH.

"There was no script—at her audition, Chastain was asked to put a baby to sleep and to look at someone admiringly. “They showed me a poster of Ethan Hawke’s face and said, ‘Look at that with love and respect.’ ” But, as is her custom, Chastain had already plunged into the depths of the role. By the time she was given the part, Chastain had gone to Kansas, where she stayed on a farm; studied Lauren Bacall in her early films to capture her slow way of talking and moving; and examined the graceful expressions of various classical Madonna paintings at New York’s Metropolitan Museum of Art. She even attended classes at a meditation retreat in Arizona called, oddly, Tree of Life. “I wanted to slow down the mad monkey of the mind in order to cultivate a kind of inner calm that would translate to the film. I knew I had to give myself over to the movie and to Terry [Malick]. That kind of immersion is so wonderful—it’s why I love working with artists.” - Jessica Chastain

Read more: http://www.wmagazine.com/celebrities/2013/01/jessica-chastain-actress-profile#ixzz2I04yiSAS

"That's the thing about acting.  It's that you, yourself, get to be like kind of an enigma.  It's a personification of who you're creating yourself to be.  In acting you just get on the stage and any neurosis that you have, anything that you have in your head, you can put it into that part.  It just all comes out and they don't even think it's you. They think you're acting. But it's you! It's a part of you. It's you. That's what acting is." - James Dean: The Lost Memoirs

Dance and Sore Muscles

This week was a bit of a catch up for me... I didn't realize how three weeks can do alot damage to the actor's body.  WHEW! MAN I AM TIRED.  My body feels like the first day of school... It's so sore from physical acting, stage combat and dance.  But I have to say, I love being in shape and being active.  True theatre actor are fit and healthy, and it makes sense for what they are preparing themselves to do- act in 8 shows a week on Broadway.

All my professors are working actors/directors/choreographers for the stage and I take all them very seriously.  I don't know if I can say that about everyone in the class, but damn... I now know I need to continue being disciplined and dedicated to this program.

These four months are going to fly by.

Pigeon

Sometimes people like being told what to do, because it's comforting to have security, a sort of safety net that prevents you from falling into the unknown.

One of my teachers at Circle told the class that it is easy to graduate from any school and not have learned a single thing.  I think those were his exact words but my feeble human mind is not strong enough to remember a sentence (AND I AM ASHAMED TO CALL MYSELF AN ACTOR!!!).   But the point is... with that in mind, I like to try find the meaning to everything I do so that way I am not wasting my time and money.  I think you should go about life in this manner- somebody told me today, if you are doing something not worth dying for, you are not living.

Food for thought?

I am going off tangent... but anyways back to acting- I had this substitute for mask class but instead of doing exercises relating to mask, we did similar exercises like the ones in physical acting.  Interestingly enough, he learned the same technique as my physical acting teacher.  What was interesting was that the substitute able to explain the exercises in a new way and it gave me a new perspective while my other teacher kept an explanation from us!

Alot of the students were a bit annoyed that this piece of information was kept from us so we welcomed the substitue's lesson with open arms but ALAS! We didn't realize that... we were pigeon holed into an explanation which prevents us from exploring other possibilities relating to the exercises.

This whole new perspective gave way to my imagination... and it opened my eyes to new possibilities.

Don't stay comfortable.

Explore/Become aware/Observe

Moments like these...

First day back at Circle, I feel refreshed.  I know I have been complaining about going back to school and living in New York for a couple more months but I think with everyone being super motivated to do their best this semester really rubbed off on me and it made me feel super giddy like it was the first day of school.

For one of my favorite classes, we started these individual exercises and it is suppose to help you connect to your text by answering a series of questions.  To my surprise these questions were so simple,  like what is your name?  What does you name mean? What are your nicknames? Also, while you are answering the question, you had to look at a person across from you, a sort of commune.

It's interesting to see my classmate's responses and how he reacted to his own answers to the question.  It brought (him/her) to an emotional state that was very moving.

Moments like these... to see a person suffer is all so sad...but beautiful to be able to witness such  vulnerability.

"Your fragility is also your strength." Pina Bausch

What a great website!

List of Movies/shows

Currently watching: The Story of Film: An Odyssey (series)
Finished watching: Once Upon a Time (series 1)
Had to stop watching: Daydream Nation (movie)
Would like to watch: Blue Valentine (movie)

Fears, fears, and more fears

I never thought of myself as a fearful person.  Yes, I have fears but I like to think that I am a STRONG, COURAGEOUS, BRILLIANT, young lady.

I have two full days before I go back to New York and I am kinda scared.  Maybe more sad but scared.

I keep thinking to myself, what if I revert back to my cave and not let my classmates in?  What if I fucking screw up and not get into second year?

All these "what ifs"... man they suck.

I was reading from a book titled, "Faith into Action".  It has a bunch of Buddhist quotes and one that really struck me was under the topic of courage (someone got a bottle of that somewhere?) and there was one word that stood out at me.  It said, "...We have to stand alone with the courage of lions.  Like lions, we have to fight courageously to win the laurel wreath of victory."

Alone.  I think out of EVERYTHING/ANYTHING...being alone is what makes me the most scared.  No, what is worst is being alone in a house full of people.  I don't want to go back to an apartment full of people who don't know me.  But perhaps it is also my fault for not trying to reach out.  It's just that... there are people you find yourself opening up to and there are people who just remain strangers with names to them.

I find this journey to being an actor full of paradoxes and ironies.  Being an actor means you can be the MOST empathetic person because you need to know how to relate to the character in your scene but GOD...actors can be the most cold, selfish human beings on the planet.  They (me?) thrive on love but can't even show it the person next to them.

I think my problem is that I THINK I am all alone.  If you want to be with someone... call them.  If you want to talk to someone, skype, text, message them because may be they are just as lonely as you are.

It makes me feel better doing this typing thing. I used to be scared to write because I often judge myself for writing what I thought was crap.  Haha, another thing to add to my fear list.

May be I am a fearful person... I think being scared is okay.  At least I am flying back to New York.  At least I am going to try to be a better friend to people.

I need to just try. I need to roar like a cub who will grow one day into a lion.

Overcome the small fears, then let's go for the bigger ones.

I am about to embark on my second semester in Circle in the Square.

As if I am about to do a scene for one of my classes... I must tell the audience of how I am feeling at the current moment:

1. My heart is beating fast.
2. Energy is low as if a huge weight is on me.
3. It's hard to breathe because I am afraid to leave a place where I am most comfortable.
4. My focus is shot and I can't seem to concentrate on what needs to be done.

I honestly don't care too much about the people I am about to go back to... and perhaps that is what is stopping me from WANTING to go back to New York.  I reflect back on my experiences at Soka and I have always wanted to go back there because I feel like I have someone to go back to.  People whom I call friends.  Friends... whom I have taken for granted of their friendship.

I wish I can undo this feeling. This feeling of apathy... But even though I can't change how I feel, I will change my attitude because in fact, despite it being cold, grungy and very often lonely, New York is where my ever beating heart... my dream to inspire and move people, lies...Pounding loudly, begging me to come back so I can call forth my courage to banish away the negative thoughts I have about the school and the people... No, my fellow company members whom I have to die for...for the sake of an art I have given my whole being for.

I cannot give into my weak tendencies... I must trust my abilities more... I must. MUST trust myself.