You don't have to be happy, but you have to be productive and you can't be happy until you are productive.

Next week's goals!

1. Ken's class: physical acting

2. I am doing a scene from Twelfth Night! I am playing Viola and Sir Andrew :)

3. Technique...technique...technique...

4. Turn your fears into faith!

5. My idol!

Translating it to the Stage

Last night I watched indie folk rock band, called 5J Barrow, at the Rockwood Music Hall last Friday and they were fantastic.  A friend at school invited us to come watch his roommate perform at a bar in East Village, of course I jumped to the opportunity to see a free show!

They opened with this number called. "Wake Up Boy".  I loved it live because the singers had so much resonance! I love when signers have that ring to their voices and it fills the room with that vibration.

The members of the band were just so true to their singing, and it just showed in their performance and body.  Also the exciting part is that the leads have a musical theatre background.

As an actor, it is important for us to develop other kinds of skills that will add to the show, whether it's juggling, singing, dancing... Although the casting directors/producers see as products and dancing monkeys, I think it adds to who you are as a person.

I respect musicians because they got they their craft down, they move the entire audience with their music, with their story.  Same with the actor, instead of a guitar, our voices and body is our instrument.

This is a relationship....

Yesterday, I had another breakthrough... It is true what they say about your first year that this is a journey to you, finding out who you are.

So in Acting Technique (we do a lot of exercises that stem from Lee Strasbourg's technique but we are definitely not doing method), we started on personal objects.  We had to go into relaxation and conjure up an item that you owned seven years+ ago.  Our teacher told us to let the the object come to us and not try to pre plan the exercise.  Seven years ago, I would have been in tenth grade and I am not ready to explore that right now, so I decided to go a little further down memory land, all the way back to my middle school days.  A couple items came up, a memory box... my purple i-zone camera... and then my teal silk scarf came to mind. 

I haven't thought about that scarf in the longest time so, it was fun "feeling", "tasting", and "seeing it.  It wasn't after I finished the exercise I felt the aftermath of the object.  In middle school I used to be the ugliest thing (or at least I felt like that) and we also had to wear uniforms.  I wanted to be different from my counterparts, so I used to wear this particular teal scarf every day to school, like the girls did in the 50's.  I guess it was my way of deflecting any mean comments boys or girls had to say about my pimples or buck teeth.  

As I was telling this story to my classmates, my teacher wanted to bring my attention to how I alive I was when I was describing my personal item.

Then it just finally clicked... Was I suppose to use my relaxation and sense memory to help me bring some life into my text?   It seems so simple... but like I said before... teachers at my school sometimes withhold information so we could form our own judgements. 

I know this is the weirdest fear to have but I am scared of my monologue and text work.  The fear of dropping a line, damaging the playwright's work... That I am not good enough to say them!  I AM THE SILLIEST GIRL ALIVE.  

So, I decided it's like being in a relationship, you have to work at it full time- night and day.  Practice into it's in your body and then use these techniques to give it color.  There is nothing to be afraid of.  

Hahaha...remember acting is fun! 

Right... I don't want to undermine my emotions but this is such a silly fear... and I have been stressing over this for a couple days now and it's been putting me into a bad mood.  

I am an actress, shake it off and love yourself. 

Being Breathed

I am starting to hit a sort of block... perhaps it's because I haven't been in any scenes for about a week... Acting is like working out, you have to consistently be working on something or else you lose the acting muscle.

I saw Clive starred and directed by Ethan Hawke.  Even though I was never a fan of his work, I think it's admirable that a t.v. actor wants to be in plays that probably won't break the bank.

I would expand and talk about this play... but it's Brecht inspired and it's strange and you would have to watch it to really understand what I am trying to say.  Ethan's performance was pretty raw, not really appropriate for Broadway but a smaller venue, I thought it was fitting.  Vague? Yeah... well... every performance in theatre is one of a kind and what I saw was a subjective experience.  You gotta love theatre. 

As an artist, you have to make choices between money and your art.  Of course you should always choose the ART but the bottom line is you gotta make a living somehow and I am not willing to sell my body or sell out for a six figure salary. 

I am glad there is so much theatre in New York that is affordable to go see, so I am going to make an effort to go out there and see actors work.  

Today, in my Alexander technique class, Daniel Singer, my teacher said something (it isn't the first time he said something similar, but with a class like this, you have to be told several times before you ACTUALLY get it) that made me go "Huh?".  

So in his Daniel Singer way (he's sorta like Yoda... or the Dalai Lama.  He very serene), he told our class that "You are being breathed."  He told us that instead of being arrogant, tell yourself that the cosmos and the universe is doing the breathing for us.... 

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS... But if I had to try to imagine the cosmos and the planets making me breathe, I do feel as though I can breathe larger, wider and more expansive.  

I need to start taking this technique seriously because all my teachers raves about it and I do want to look amazing on stage without looking like I am putting any effort (you are actually not suppose to use any effort Ariel...) 

I wish I can explain this class better to people... so I need to do more outside research on this topic.

On the side note- I AM GETTING SO ANXIOUS MEMORIZING MONOLOGUES.  But I think I stress myself out because there is so much pressure as an actor to find the perfect monologue because that's how you showcase your talent. It's like telling the judicators "HEY THIS IS ME AND I ONLY GOT ONE MINUTE TO TELL YOU EVERYTHING SO PLEASE BELIEVE IN ME AND GIVE ME A JOB."

I don't know why I'm composed but it's most likely because I have a bunch things going through my head such as: scenes, monologues, job applications, scholarships, to go home or not to go home...

I need to get my shit together.

  

"I am afraid of being wrong."

My acting technique teacher had me do an autowrite with this as a title.

This is actually my quote which I said to her at the end of class today.

This is... my constant battle- my struggle with myself and my art.  I hate being wrong and I would like to blame this on how our society reprimands us for making mistakes but the bottom line is- I sometimes hate myself.

These demons of mine have been with all through my life and it's just so damn hard to shake them off.  Even though this semester I am doing a lot better with dealing with my insecurities, it comes out and I am back to square one...

Or so I think?  No... but it does sometimes feel like that.  BUT ONE THING IS FOR SURE- at least I am aware of it.  That's a big thing at our school.  It's like this, "Oh, you are aware of your glottals?  Oh you are aware of the tension you hold in your shoulders?"

I guess with awareness, comes the change.  I think I am just trying to process all the goodies we learn at this school and it is just SO hard to apply it text if you are not confident with the technique you just learned.

I am aware that eventually you develop your own technique, but I am THAT TYPE OF PERSON WHO LIKES TO BE TAUGHT AND BE BEATEN INTO LEARNING IT.

Perhaps it's my headstrong ways and I like to get comfortable with doing something that I excel at.

Ultimately, it boils down to confidence.  Right now, I am working REALLY hard on it and some days I feel like the ugliest human being on the planet and other days, I am superwoman.

I need to be okay with myself. I need to be okay with making mistakes and letting them be part of my journey.