Id vs the Super Ego

On Tuesday, I bumped into one of my acting teachers at Chipotle.  I seem to talk a lot about my physical acting teachers and I am not saying my other teachers are not worth talking about, but because of the  nature of this class, everything is experiential and it takes time to process what happens in class. 

I brought up certain experiences in class about feeling selfish in class, and not being out there as an artist, an activist and telling the stories that need to be told. After listening to me, he looked at me bewildered by my comment. He responded, "Why shouldn't you be selfish? You need the training to be the best at your craft in order to go out there and tell those stories!" 

Yes, be more selfish. Personally, I have told myself in the past that being selfish will not get you anywhere and now that I am training, my entire world is being torn down. Of course, I need to think about myself because no one else will. I am fortunate enough to have a mother who is selfless and would give ANYTHING to make sure my sister and I are comfortable.  I really look up to her but I am realizing I can not stay in my safe bubble if I want to make it in this business.

So, it's the battle between id, and my super ego.  I want to be impulsive but what is practical? Give myself the opportunity to do what I love and also to know that I can touch people with my art, my truth.

I don't have to give up the kind, vulnerable part of myself but just have to build a high enough platform where no one can touch me and yet can still see me. 

Where is your center?

Second year at Circle.  Less angsty.  WAY LESS.  

This year, it's all about what can I do to stretch myself and stay creative and fresh with my work. The  first year of school is definitely learning how to deal with your own bullshit and become a neutral being.  

It's also very important to objectively look at your own work which I didn't so much last year.  Everything I wrote last year was about my feelings... and I want to slap myself, sometimes.  Whatever, it happens.  Move on. 

I am discovering that I am physically struggling with my classes which is a first since I take pride in my natural physical abilities to do something.  I have always depended on them to get me through physical acting exercises (jumping, running, etc.) but stubbornness has been getting in the way and I have found that my core is extremely weak (not flexible in changing a choreography if I learned it a certain way)! 

The first physical acting exercise that brought my awareness of this habit is the self dialogue.  This is where, you isolate and spontaneously move a limb one at a time (it could be the fingers, the whole arm, or the foot or the entire leg). There is no need to interpret this leg or arm language.  Later, you would have this "dialogue" with a partner.

Here is a response to this exercise and what I got out of it :)

I hope to write more in this manner for future exercises.  

The Frustrated Leg

By: the Big Labasan or Dudette

First things first, I didn't realize how much I would get out of this exercise until I wrote this essay... It has helped me confront my frustrations and anxiety I have had over this sometimes disheartening but pertinent exercise because it revealed a lot about my creative process and what happens to my system when I am confused, frustrated or scared. I had a difficult time (physically) trying to interpret what I should be doing (should- what a killer of a word). I noticed physical reactions I would have at the start of the self dialogue and the struggle to allow myself to be spontaneous and let my voice follow my physical movements.

Usually my first reaction to anything, starts with a question, “Am I doing this correctly?” or “Should I do it this way? Or that way?” The infamous chatter in your head... At the start of the first few weeks of this exercise, I would always tense my jaw and hold my breath at the beginning of the exercise. By the end of it, I would feel agitated and even disappointed in myself. It would start with the noises in my head and after watching a few of my classmates, I would compare myself without even seeing what I actually did from an outside's perspective! Looking back now, it seems so silly to do that, but we do in fact compare our work with each other's. During the isolations, I was uncomfortable which I translated as, “You are just not that good at this exercise, BIG LABASAN.” I felt extremely clumsy which added to my insecurities to how I would be perceived from the outside. Sometimes I would disengage from my core because I was fighting for dear life to be stable (meaning not falling flat on my face) which limited my ability to react spontaneously. I thrive on control, and this exercise has been dealing with my obsessive need to censor anything that I perceive is stupid or meaningless which stops me from reacting organically and impulsively (another thing I am working on). I felt the most weak, when I had to shift my balance to one leg and of course, one side was stronger than the other (I prefer to stand on the right leg). Adding constants and sounds added to my frustration because I felt as if I wasn't communicating anything. I know we were not suppose to interpret what the movements were but I think I was falling back on trying to find meaning because it was the only way I could make any sense of what I was doing.

 The progression of the “I love yous and I hate yous” did ease the internal tension because it was something I knew. I know what it means to love someone, or to hate someone but perhaps, I am limiting myself.... I know I need to focus on the beginning of the exercise because I don't want to be an actor that sits comfortably and emotes one emotion. I trying to learn to trust my core, let my body go and be surprised by it's strength and knowledge. I just hope this frustrated leg can keep up.